November 26 there were two new angels in my life. Justin Oliver and Derek Nahuel. Ive often wondered if all they say abut socalled dying grace or the grace of God is really accurate. i mean how reall is it really? Id probably still be wondering abou it if it werent for the experience I went through recently. While I was in labour i remember wishing that everyone around me culd be subjetc to the happyness I was experiencing. You see, it wuldve been perfect, except that my babies were born premature, me having only been six months along in the pregnancy. Not that i was eager for them to be born too soon mind you, as a matter of fact, only a few hours away Id been in the same frame of mind as Id been all pregnancy long. That of shunning the thought of my babies being born before everything being perfect and the proverbial nest being ready for their arrival. Our state at the time was far from reaching my ideal state of german perfection and being ready for the arrival of the babies.Anyway, despite it all, I remeber that try as I might, I just couldnt mirror the anxiety of the doctors and nurses and even of my parents and Agu. I had a very warm feeling of peace and knowing that no matter what happened evrything was gonna be okay.
The birth was quick and easy thank God! If I wouldve had some major recovering to do, I dont think I wouldve been able to be strong enough to bear everything I was abut to go through. Justin was born first, he was also the weaker and frailer of the two. Sweetest, smallest baby ever! He was s weak yet so brave! So much will in him!
He never cried or made a sound in his short little life. When people complain about babies that cry, I feel like screaming at them!!!! I wouldve given anything, to hear Justin cry!
Derek on the other hand was the bigger, healthier, beautifull red head baby. Of course he was still small but compared to Justin he was the lion. When Derek was born, he mustered up a little cry. The sweetest and bravest little cry ever. So full of effort and emotion!
Anyway, Derek stayed steady and pink, but Justin collapsed. He was to small. He gt everything from heat trouble and infection to brain damage. The doctors said that it was only a matter of hours or at the most days. The most heartbreaking thing for me, was to have the doctor pull me aside gently and ask me if I wanted to hold my baby, whom i had never held since he left my womb. In mild terms she was telling me, say goodbye. Nevertheless Justin stayed. I remeber waking up evry morning and thanking God that there had been no fone calls from the hospital during the night. Then one day, hope shone a little brighter for Justin! The doctor said that it was unacountable how he was holding on so many days, and how much will to live he had. She also said that the duct in his heart that hadnt closed up with the medication, had seemed to close up all by itself. Oh what happiness!!! It was like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel fr me. I had s much faith for him.
But the Lords way work cntrary to ur expectations and the next mrning they called me to the hospital. The doctor explained that Justin had suffered from heart faliure and hadnt made it. To be honest with you, when I heard the news I almost sighed with relief despite my grief. I knew that now I wouldnt have to worry about him anymre. He was better off than any of us here and he wouldnt have to suffer anymore. I think the Lord allowed that little ray of hope just the day before to show me that He could heal him if He wanted to, and that he didnt need the doctors or their medicine to do it. Also so that the little day of relief would prepare me for what was t come.
After that I decided to be well, for Dereks sake, so I could pour into him. But they say that in the majrity of cases with premature twins, when the one goes, the other can feel it and follows. Derek was one of those cases. The day of the burial, they called from the hospital, saying there was an emergency. Derek needed a complete blood transfusion, and it was a very dangerous operation for such a small baby and culd even endanger his life. Well, we prayed and prayed and prayed our hearts out, and when it was done, the doctor came ut and said, "You have been praying right? Cause it worked out well."
Derek got sicker and sicker. And each day he grew worse and worse. He sufferd severe brain damge and heart problems. We visited him every day and stayed by him talking to him, praying for him, and singing to him song after song. When we were gne during the night, the doctors said that hed get worse, but when we were there hed stay steady. He stopped going pee so he started swelling up cause he couldnt get rid of the liquid. He was s swollen, but the doctor said, that it was amazing that for as swollen as he was, his heart wouldnt give up but kept beating away and he was still pink whick showed that the heart was able t pump the blood well. When I was pregnant I would listen to music alot so when i wuld go to see him, I-d sing him the same songs, and he would get better. He knew when we were around. So we went and asked for special permission to put an mp3 player with some small speakers by his incubator with music so he wouldnt miss us so much. Thant way he was able to have some nice ambience too. During this time, something that really helped us, was the prayers of the Family worldwide as well as all the messages they got from Heaven for us. During one of the last days, we read the Hem of His Garment by Virginia Brant. Anbd it gave us alot of faith to believe that God would do the miracle. The prayer drives also were so good and helped us to pray as if we knew God would answer.
Ive always been healthy as a kid, and hardly ever had o g to the hspital or t see a dctor. Ive always hated hospitals! They would just make me sick! One f the ministries in our home involves a CTP in a hospital in which we do laughter therapy and cheer people up as well as pray and comfort them. Although, that is normally taken care of by others in the home, I understand now that The Lord used that month in the hospital to teach me love and understanding for those whom we minister to. After all, the best way people can know you understand what they r feeling is when they know you have gone through something similar.
I never in my life dreamed that I would be wishing that I could spend a Christmas Eve in a hospital. But that Christmas, I really thought I was going to. But, Derek didint make it till Christmas. He went to be with Jesus a few days before. Oh how I wished then with all my heart that he wouldve still been there and that i wouldve been able to spend Christmas with him in that hospital. Nevertheless a few day later, on Christmas Eve I did g back to that hospital. I took the girls with me and Agu. They were dressed up like angels and we went and sang to the nurses and the doctors that had taken care of my babies...... they couldnt believe it. what does this all have to do with Dying grace? Well, during this whole ordeal, there were time in which I couldnt explain what I was feeling. The serious old doctors could be very matter of factly blurting in my face that my kid was dying, and Id just smile at them. I culdnt believe them. I couldnt accept death befpre it happened. They didnt understand. they thought we were living in dream, and were trying t ignore the facts or that we didnt realise what would happen. One day, I came to the hospital with a beaming smile on my face that it was literaly impossible fr me t erase. I smiled so big that my jaw hurt. I didnt understand why i was smilling so big and felt so happy. All I knew was that I culdnt erase that smile off my face. The day befre Derek died, I told the nurses, that I didnt understand why, but that I didnt believe he was ging to die. i just didnt feel it. They confessed that believe it r not they felt the same. I told them that i didnt know if it was that the Lord was giving me a srt f dying grace for them or what but that I felt so happy despite the grim reality. The next day, Derek went to be with Jesus.How Can I Keep From Singing
Traditional Shaker Hymn
My life goes on in endless song
above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
that hails a new creation.
Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear it's music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?
While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
songs in the night it giveth.
No storm can shake my inmost calm,
while to that rock I'm clinging.
Since love is lord of heaven and earth
how can I keep from singing?
When tyrants tremble in their fear
and hear their death knell ringing,
when friends rejoice both far and near
how can I keep from singing?
In prison cell and dungeon vile
our thoughts to them are winging,
when friends by shame are undefiled
how can I keep from singing?
